I woke this morning with a stabbing discomfort in my neck. It took me awhile to totally open my eyes considering that crying myself to sleep left them inflamed. I understood the discomfort was from the corner of the image cd I dropped off to sleep on. Not having actually been on my yoga mat in a little over a week, today I vowed to return. I willed myself from bed and placed the cd back on the night stand, began the kettle on the range and opened my laptop to examine my mail. I brace myself for the condolences I’ll get.

Tucker my 9 year old pug had been struggling all summertime long with exactly what the vet diagnosed as ‘actually bad allergies.’ Gradually worsening, I understood it was more but it was not up until the tumor in his nose extended out his nostril that I realized his condition was a lot more serious. After 2 weeks of keeping upping with him at night while he battled to breath, hurrying house after teaching to be by his side and seeing to it he knew how much I liked him, it was finally time to put Tucker to rest.

His last days teemed with ‘I love you talks,’ hugs, kisses, and walks down memory lane. I talked to him about all the things he’s taught me over the years like persistence, leading an easy life, offering is always better than getting and essential true, unconditional love. I informed him he still has to look after me from above like he’s done his entire life.

Tucker the dog

Tucker isn’t simply my canine. He’s actually been my friend, my guardian angel and my main guy for the last 9 years. He’s seen me battle and stood by my side all the while. When I lost buddies, enthusiasts, sense of self, health, Tucker was there to remind me I still had him. Although I’ve been through some lonely times I was never ever actually alone. He sat quietly by my side when I’d to cry. He’d let me hug him for as long as I needed when I was scared I’d die from cancer. When I got house from my surgeries he’d sit in the entrance of my space facing out, guarding my room and every once in awhile can be found in, rub versus the bed and check up on me.

I never strolled alone. I constantly had somebody to go home to, I was liked unconditionally and I knew it. Never ever did I take this for given. I informed Tucker I loved him every day. As I carried him into the vets for the last time I nestled him like a baby swaying backward and forward repeating I love you over and over. I informed him that he’s actually brought me more pleasure in my life than I ever believed possible. I can just wish I did the exact same for him. I informed him God sent out an angel below heaven to monitor me in my time of need which angel was him. He can return to heaven now and we’ll certainly see each other once again when the time is right.

On the table while the veterinarian offers Tucker the injection I hug him and put my third eye on his. ‘I enjoy you, I enjoy you, I love you.’ He looses consciousness and breaks down forward into my arms. I weep hysterically as I feel Tuckers soul leave his body. I cannot search for for a very long time since I don’t wish to deal with truth. I wished to act he was with me a little while longer. I stroke him from his ears to his tail with my head still resting on his and tears gushing as I say my last words, ‘You’re the bravest little guy I understand, I enjoy you, you filled me with delight, I’ll never let you go. You’ll be with me every step I take in this world. I’m strong because of you. I cannot wait to see you once more, this is bad bye.’ The vet starts to leave me in the room alone however on her way out she state, ‘he was fortunate to have you.’ ‘No’ I said, ‘I was lucky to have him.’

Tucker taught me many lessons, not just while he was alive, but also with his fatality. Although Tucker was my pet dog, his soul belongs to no person. Nothing in this world is mine. All that’s actually mine is this body, soul, and spirit. On my mat today I can only focus on just getting by, sitting with my pain, not even attempting to push past it. Tomorrow, next week, or perhaps next month things will start to move, but today I’m on ground absolutely no and the hole I’m in is so deep I simply want to rest here till I can find a way out.

My practice helps me eliminate some of the emotions. When my ideas drift to missing out on Tucker I catch myself and change my idea to ‘I love you Tucker.’ I miss you suggests I’ve actually lost him however I love you is simply a suggestion of exactly what a lovely gift he’s given me. So as I move through asanas today whether they’re challenging or gentle, I’ll love the entire experience in honor of Tucker. When I like now, it’ll certainly be the much deeper type of love that he’s shown me. It’ll certainly be from the seat of my soul, the kind Tucker provided to me without any expectations. This is how I’ll keep him with me always.

Lying on the mat in my Savasana with the towel over my eyes I cry for Tucker. I cry for my buddy. I cry for my loss. The tears and sweat run together down the sides of my face past my ears. I like you Tucker, I’ll certainly not forget your lessons. You’re my master teacher.